Hi Randy: How do you get over the discouragement and mistrust of your own judgment? I did everything I was ever supposed to do and still ended up married to a very not good person. I've never had a drink, a cigarette, done drugs, always been active in church, did my callings, served a mission, stayed chaste, I knew my husband for over a year before we got married, and we were married in the temple. I even did therapy to deal with past trauma before marriage. I did everything I was ever asked and it still ended up badly. I am not angry at God but I am very discouraged in trying to move forward. How do you trust yourself to choose a good person when it seems like you did everything right the first time and still ended in flames? Thank you.
Thank you for your question. One of the biggest challenges of marrying is choosing a good quality person, especially if we have tried and failed to do so in the past. But how can you know you made a good pick? Especially since many people can be on their best behavior during the dating period? The answer is not easy, but there are some things you can do to give you a better chance for success. Here are some suggestions:
*Observe how they handle stress, frustration, and not getting their way. Observe how they handle disagreements, differences of opinion, and different belief systems. Time pressure moments are also revealing, as well as how they handle anger and fear. See them during all of these times of challenge to learn how they handle those moments. Under duress, the other’s guard tends to lower and their true reactions and coping mechanisms become revealed. Especially with some time and across different situations. Don’t be afraid to have some challenging conversations and to introduce some challenging situations to help reveal what they are truly about. Driving in heavy traffic, going camping, and being around their parents can be revealing moments. Take note. Believe what you see them do more than what they say.
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